Unlivable Expectations...

Some people really don't know their affect on people smfh...sometimes parentals r the worst... -Melanie Otto

Agreed!! in this case its only one unit...

so your home...im glad you're safe. the thought of loosing you was horrible. even now as i think about it tears are brought to my eyes. but it still doesnt change the fact that im constantly upset with you around. every action is judged...there isnt a moment a peace. you always find fault in everything i do. u never fail to inform me of how disappointed you are in me...of im constantly falling far below your expectations.

but this question...have you ever considered how i feel? how do i think i feel when im constantly being compared to others, when im constantly being criticized, when im constantly being belittled...

my dear half-siblings...if you only knew the effect your actions now have on my life. and now back to you...do you really think imma end up like them? wholetimee we are completely different people living completely different lives.

so im the oldest...but im really not (look above). im supposedly supposed to set the standard...yet one has already been set. how do you ever plan on me succeeding with all these ongoing contraditions?

or maybe thats it...you dont plan on it. you're setting me up for failure by setting such high expectations. i would say that its a good thing...so that if i dont succeed i still havent failed...
but these expectations are unknown to me! what do you want from me?

i believe that another approach should be taken. your hateful glares, the fear felt inside at all times, the sad after effect...

you dont understand the affect you have on my life. positive: i always aim high, to others i do great. negative: im never happy...never satisfied

they dont balance out! though it may not seem like it the negative is greater.
i wonder if you'll ever see...what will your reaction be? bet! you'll be angry as usual, smh

why wont you listen to me!!! every time i try to converse...try to explain im SILENCE!!
LOOK AT WHAT YOU"RE DOING TO ME!!! you're gradually breaking me down. life is becoming unbearable...unlivable...


inhale, exhale, sigh...
and as i end this i am free...at least for awhile. that is...until....i....pop....

The Sad Results of One Event...

I feel...like im messing things up. or maybe im just really worried because over this break things have gotten better. they've been really great. multiple conversations a day, plans being made, a development de amor ♥ but this one day has brought me such resentment, sadness, anger, and unhappiness. we didnt talk today...and i feel kinda off...kinda...incomplete? ugh! and to think its because of this person...this person who for the longest has been faking...this person who annoys the hell outta me but at the same i love them. plus, the sense of possibility...all the possible events that couldve happened today are now unknown....welcome to the world of what if yet again crystal...all of this because of one decision that was outta my hands. i had no control over it whatsoever.
our ups and downs are held dear and near...hopefully this one occurrence doesnt change things. i dont want you to be mad. i dont want for you to not speak to me.
but at the same time...im scared. i was really upset...and you didnt help...
instead you let your frustration get the best of you...which is why im here now.
i tried to fix it...you didnt grab hold....it fell and shattered to pieces. however, i couldve done better...tried harder...
but i guess i'll just continue on...we'll just continue on? "Mending Will Occur In Time, But Til Then Patience Must Be Set Forth, Until Then The Journey Continues..."