I Create!!

its that time of year again....TIME TO RAID THE CLOSETS!!!
me and my scissors...we have A LOT of work to do. and to my fortune...my sewing machine is broken = \
time to bring out those old clothes and those oversized tshirts that know no longer looks at. those items in storage that are collecting dust in the basement. those ugly shirts that mother bought and to her dismay are never worn. those paint and ketchup stained material that seem to of no use now.
but nothing is ever as it seems...

that plain yellow shirt can be customized
that oversized blazer can be used to accessorize
those messed up pair of jeans can be cut and converted

the things a simple chain can do! some colors and some buttons...the possibilities are endless!

with a needle and a thread...i begin!

Chrisette Michele: Thanks For My Ephinany

so...im currently blogging just cause i feel like it...i have no reason to do so...theres nothing of much importance on my mind that requires me to vent...or at least, as of now there isnt.

currently listening to chrisette michele. i absolutely love her ♥ !!!
her voice is so unique and its just beautiful...its great, i love it, point blank! lol

my poor sister...she so misunderstood. her restless soul just needs a place to stay...but hey! she will be o.k.! (Chrisette Michele - Be O.K.)
as a matter of facvt, she is okay...just highly annoying at the moment. her problems will heal by God's grace. she wont be this way forever...hopefully =\

so...i was recently told the only person i should be loving is edward...
honestly, i dont think i love him yet. and its our relationship continues this way...i probably wont
idk if im ready yet for a golden love (Chrisette Michele - Golden)
i really do believe that i loved patrick...but now that i think about it...i think i just really appreciated him for setting such a great basis for my future (except for, of course, a few events)
...scratch that. i did love patrick but i dont think i was ever really in love with him. and i do love edward. but im not in love with him...not yet anyway.
i guess that depends on the future and the actions that are gonna be taken. maybe by the things he does for us or something...maybe then i'll realize my actual feeling. (Chrisette Michele - What You Do)

(at this moment i came up with my title for my blog. i realized that with each song change i had another thought pop into my head.)

so this particular song "All I Ever Think About". this is simply beautiful! i believe its my favorite by her. but as i really sit here and think...i doubt it has no relation to my life currently.
and i find it outlandish because all the songs that i choose as current favorites ALWAYS have some relation to me...guess i have to think harder than...
"And I guess I never really ever loved no one (all I ever think about is you) from the rising of the moon till the setting of the sun (it's overwhelming and im feeling so confused) im really scared lying here about to fall (cuz all I ever think about is) tryna get back yeah I wanna get back to you (cuz all I ever think about is you)"
....i dislike where im going with this...
so...im guessing that i was in love with patrick...possibly still am...
or maybe, its just that my love will continue for him til i fall for another.
but the thing is...i really dont think....sigh...this is exactly it!
but i know i wont get back with you...ive cut all hopes of that loose already. and maybe that why its so hard. cause ive realized that even if i wanna go back...hes already gone...(Chrisette Michele - All I Ever Think About...bout to be on repeat for awhile...)
hes bout to graduate (a senior). it saddens me that i dont even know where hes going...
sigh...to think im completely removing possibly one of the best things thats ever happened to me from my life...
but....smh all these buts! why cant i stop being indecisive for once and just decide on something and have complete faith in that decision?!!
because life doesnt work like that....
(at this moment i changed my title from "Chrisette Michele: Let's Relate To My Life...")
ive moved on...i know i have...i just need to stop doubting my decisions...thats it!
all doubts are gonna end soon because the final point is coming soon...

lol...how unexpected this realization was...guess i did have a need to vent. i like how my thought process is recorded and in sync with my playlist. and through it all...i'll grow better, make better decisions...
and in the end? i will still be okay [= just like my sister.... ♥

Point of View: A Poem

originally written May 6, 2010

It surprising....
The unpredictable sequence of events
Events...that seem to have nothing to do with each other
How they are linked together to give us new emotions
To give us clarification...
Understanding...
Hope...

A tragedy...
And now, we have come together.
United, we are standing.
Offering comfort...words of encouragement
Helping with our emotional journey of realization

Now take another look...
This horrible happening has brought something greater!
Observe, as we reach out to ones
We never would have before.
Behold, this miracle of a greater future
Happening before our very own eyes.
We are bringing out the best of others.

Sorrow may fill our hearts now...
And nothing else is presumed.
But if you look from another's point of view
You'll see the wonders materializing.
The brightness of our future is blinding!

Small steps...ineffective they seem now.
But watch!
These small steps will become leaps...
Gallops...
Sprints!

And as we watch the world
From a different point of view,
We realize that yes...you're gone.
But life will go on...
Your life will be celebrated
By those who love you.

Our tears will eventually fade
The sadness will change to appreciation.
Answers left unanswered will lose importance.
And the great omission in life that is solitude
Will cover us all and leave us whole again.

It all depends on how you look at it...
It all depends on your point of view.

R.I.P. Branden. I love you and you will be missed...

Last Day For My Seniors

The end of the line....they're all leaving me ) =
But honestly, I doing much better than expected...no tears as of yet.
But bestfriend, Jonte...my secret lover, Deron...my poetic protege, Tiandra...my wise Grandmother Willow, Gayla...just to name a few....
But I mean...they have to move on...its there time now to leave behind high school and all those in it and go on to college to continue the circle of life. My time will come later...
Life goes on...but school will really be boring now without them.
But HEY! On a brighter note, Imma be a junior next year!!!! [= LOL
No more HSAs...more challenging courses....new beginnings? BRING IT!
I realize that I really don't feel any sorrow...just appreciation for there impact on my life.
I wish them all the best in life and I know that if our friendships were meant to last then we'll see eachother again later in life.
Some friends come for a reason...others for just a season...
And on that note, I bid you all adieu...and good luck [ ' =

Unlivable Expectations...

Some people really don't know their affect on people smfh...sometimes parentals r the worst... -Melanie Otto

Agreed!! in this case its only one unit...

so your home...im glad you're safe. the thought of loosing you was horrible. even now as i think about it tears are brought to my eyes. but it still doesnt change the fact that im constantly upset with you around. every action is judged...there isnt a moment a peace. you always find fault in everything i do. u never fail to inform me of how disappointed you are in me...of im constantly falling far below your expectations.

but this question...have you ever considered how i feel? how do i think i feel when im constantly being compared to others, when im constantly being criticized, when im constantly being belittled...

my dear half-siblings...if you only knew the effect your actions now have on my life. and now back to you...do you really think imma end up like them? wholetimee we are completely different people living completely different lives.

so im the oldest...but im really not (look above). im supposedly supposed to set the standard...yet one has already been set. how do you ever plan on me succeeding with all these ongoing contraditions?

or maybe thats it...you dont plan on it. you're setting me up for failure by setting such high expectations. i would say that its a good thing...so that if i dont succeed i still havent failed...
but these expectations are unknown to me! what do you want from me?

i believe that another approach should be taken. your hateful glares, the fear felt inside at all times, the sad after effect...

you dont understand the affect you have on my life. positive: i always aim high, to others i do great. negative: im never happy...never satisfied

they dont balance out! though it may not seem like it the negative is greater.
i wonder if you'll ever see...what will your reaction be? bet! you'll be angry as usual, smh

why wont you listen to me!!! every time i try to converse...try to explain im SILENCE!!
LOOK AT WHAT YOU"RE DOING TO ME!!! you're gradually breaking me down. life is becoming unbearable...unlivable...


inhale, exhale, sigh...
and as i end this i am free...at least for awhile. that is...until....i....pop....

The Sad Results of One Event...

I feel...like im messing things up. or maybe im just really worried because over this break things have gotten better. they've been really great. multiple conversations a day, plans being made, a development de amor ♥ but this one day has brought me such resentment, sadness, anger, and unhappiness. we didnt talk today...and i feel kinda off...kinda...incomplete? ugh! and to think its because of this person...this person who for the longest has been faking...this person who annoys the hell outta me but at the same i love them. plus, the sense of possibility...all the possible events that couldve happened today are now unknown....welcome to the world of what if yet again crystal...all of this because of one decision that was outta my hands. i had no control over it whatsoever.
our ups and downs are held dear and near...hopefully this one occurrence doesnt change things. i dont want you to be mad. i dont want for you to not speak to me.
but at the same time...im scared. i was really upset...and you didnt help...
instead you let your frustration get the best of you...which is why im here now.
i tried to fix it...you didnt grab hold....it fell and shattered to pieces. however, i couldve done better...tried harder...
but i guess i'll just continue on...we'll just continue on? "Mending Will Occur In Time, But Til Then Patience Must Be Set Forth, Until Then The Journey Continues..."

random realization (not recent)

these moments alone cause me to ponder on the future and enter the world of what if. every situation is reenacted and changed to make me better or changed to my desire. but ive got to concentrate on the present. then, ill do just fine.

Lyric Interpretation: Colors of the Wind

Pocahontas - Colors Of The Wind Lyrics
You think I'm an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don't know?
You don't know ...

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
-----------------------------------------------------------
To me, this song is basically about how ignorant many can be.
Its about realizing that there's more to something than its first appearance.
The cliche "Don't judge a book by its cover" can be claimed as the overall theme.
Everything and everyone has a special purpose and by finding it,
we embrace the circle of life and become one with each other.
Everyone has a talent or special gift. Own it! Don't stop until you succeed,
until you're the best you you can be!
Also, I believe its saying that you shouldnt judge, especially if you dont know everything
there is to know about everything. That you shouldnt interfere with others success.
Because by doing so, not only will you ruin them...you'll also ruin yourself.
This song inspires me to rethink my thoughts and actions. By looking deeper,
you'll see that there is so much more to see and know...so much more to understand...

Life-Movie Relation. Part 1: Pocahontas

so recently i've imagined what my life would be like as Pocahontas in the days of struggling for equality and respect.
i would like to think of myself as this main character...being brave, having courage, having unknown wisdom. the few who really know me have agreed.
in this movie pocahontas experiences adventure, love, and foreign concepts. she learns more about her path of life and how to stand up for herself. well i would like to do the same.
so starting now, imma gonna be the best me i can be (seriously!) im gonna find out exactly what i like and dont like and exactly what my beliefs and values are. im gonna develop my relationship with the Lord and im gonna find out what my path is. starting now...imma stay true to me!

who inspirez yhu 2 take yhur pikturez

no one really...lol i just like taking pictures. plus, i usually take a picture after i finish writing something...

Entertain Me With Your Questions